Sunday, March 17, 2013

Taking a Break... or Failing to.

It seems that, from the moment I gave birth, I lost my ability to relax. I used to be renowned for being able to take an hours-long bath, refilling it where necessary with hot water, taking with me tea and snacks and a book, napping in there, reading in there, relaxing in there. I used to thrive on spending hours at cafes, reading a novel or working on my own, listening to music in my headphones and being entirely enveloped in my own luxurious world. 

Right now, my husband has taken my boy for a walk in order to give me a break. You know what I did? I went to the supermarket to buy some things for dinner. Then I started to make dinner... then realised what a pig-stye this joint is, and did a bit of cleaning. Then I reprimanded myself and had a bath, bringing with me the book 'Brain Rules for Baby', and also my phone, in case my husband called. I lasted about three minutes in the bath before I realised that it wasn't possible for me to relax knowing that I had to make dinner, clean, deal with the wet laundry still in the machine, steam him a few fruits and veggies so I don't have to reply on the jars of food for him all week (the over-achieving parent's idea of failure...), etc etc etc etc etc etc. 

My little boy is not a relaxer himself. The five minutes at the end of baby swimming where all the other babies lay on their backs with their head against their mum or dad's shoulder, relaxing and floating while listening to some lovely music... Ruben just wouldn't do it. He'd try to sit, roll, push, yank, splash and squirm until I gave up and we left the lesson early. He struggles to sleep and is not much of a cuddler. He is active active active! I wonder how much of this, if any, has to do with the fact that I had a solid six weeks of terrible anxiety when I was pregnant, made all the worse by knowing that all those anxiety hormones were being pumped into my baby... 

A few days ago, a girl on a facebook mother's group I belong to posted an article about the stay-at-home mother's need for a break , and while I disagree with some of the sentiments, particularly those that pretend to understand exactly what it means to be a father, it also really hits the nail on the proverbial sleep-deprived head. "From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, there isn't a single second of my day where I'm not engaged and on call. There isn't a single moment where I am alone with my thoughts."

I'm sure that if I got more than four hours of cumulative sleep for more than one random night, I'd be able to keep some semblance of order in my life. But, as I have heard from all-but-one Mummy friend, we are all just floundering about attempting to keep it together as best we can! 

I can't wait to be in Australia in one and a half weeks, where my mum will eagerly take this little boy in the early morning, and perhaps my husband and I can BOTH sleep until 9am. Insanity! Of course, all of this doesn't mean that I wish for my life pre-boy. He amazes me every day, makes me laugh and makes me appreciate life in a whole new way. I just wish that I was still able to relax when the opportunity presents itself!

3 comments:

  1. Man, yr description of pre-baby relax sounds amazing! I think the only time I've ever been able to relax like that was during our travels. My brain is stupid.

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    1. Oh Sharon! Get yourself in the bath with some wine, lady! :) xxxxx

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  2. i feel your pain...our little boy is an extra active/high energy kid too (since he was tiny!) exactly like you described...always active and not much into cuddling. he just turned two a couple of months ago and is still like that, but i swear, the older they get, the easier...or maybe i am getting more use to the insanity? ;) the more independent felix becomes, the easier it has been on us. he still does not play on his own very much, but it has been easier. he started daycare at the beginning of the new year, and our suspicion of having a really active child was confirmed by the caregiver (he is our only child, so we had a hunch, but were not 100% sure ha ha). i swear, he could (and does!) run around all day non-stop without tiring.
    i am teaching myself to relax now, i know that sounds strange, but it is a huge problem for me since i had him. my mind was always running a mile a minute, but has gone into hyper-overdrive since birth. my neck and shoulders are rock hard constantly (it's where i carry my stress lol)...i literally have to think about relaxing my body.
    once again....i am babbling ;)
    my point(s)
    you are not alone.
    it's natural.
    throw the baby at your husband/friend/family more often.
    let go of the guilt...nothing good comes out of it. i promise you.
    <3
    sabine

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