I think that making a baby is a very scary prospect in the best of circumstances. And while having our first child in Switzerland was a very conscious decision, I have thrown myself in the deep end. This is not to say that I in any way regret this decision - it is definitely the right one for us! But there have been many times when I have thought 'this would be so much easier if I was back in Perth'. From the complex issues, such as which hospitals our insurance will provide cover for (not a simple answer, surprisingly) and how to find and employ an English speaking midwife, to the simple things, like where to buy maternity clothes, discovering the best way to find second-hand things, and knowing the word for 'pelvis'.
I'm scared of lots of things. And I don't want to be. I feel as if I just need to trick myself into not being scared, and then I will magically somehow become unscared. Positive affirmations and all that. To make this worse, I know that if I am anxious and fearful of my imminent labour, then this will make it more difficult and things are more likely to go wrong because I'm tense. So I'm just going to write them down and then maybe I can deal with them more easily.
I'm scared of the possibility of my fibromyalgia playing a significant role in birth. If it will, then okay. I just wish I knew.
I'm scared of wanting my mum here too much.
I'm scared of my husband feeling out of control and like he can't do anything. I want him to know what an important role he plays in the process, and that I wouldn't be able to do this without him.
I'm scared of everyone suddenly speaking German if something vital happens, and me not knowing what is happening.
I'm scared that my family will feel neglected somehow.
I'm scared that the hospital will be all hospitally (real word), and that if I finally make the decision to do a home birth, that I might for some reason wish I was in a hospital.
Funnily enough, I'm not scared that anything will happen to Beanie. I am totally sure that Beanie will be fine.
This is the end of that. Actually, the list isn't too long. And too many of them are me doing my usual business of worrying about everyone else all of the time... Hopefully one day I will look at this and giggle, because I'm on such a high about it all.
Saying all of that, I can't express how excited I am about meeting this baby inside of me. I am getting increasingly nosy about wanting to know if it is a boy or a girl, and some days I am certain it is a boy, others I'm certain it's a girl. Lately I'm leaning towards girl. Dunc is certain it's a boy. We've bet a pizza on it. I WANT TO KNOW! But the only way I'm finding out is when this little pea pops out. And I'm just going to have to wait. Eek!
Hope talking about all these things helps you air out all of that nervosity that can take hold of your body! I remember being pretty scared about the birth and things around it. And being anxious about labour - I don't know if there is a more normal reaction!! :) I don't think you should be worried about that making things worse. I think the worst fears are often during the wait. I was scared shaky when I realized my water broke and when the contractions properly started (in the taxi), but there was no fear whatsoever when I was actually well in action with the contractions in the hospital. Just an intense focus. And there is loads of time to just breath and relax and let them work and push (later on). A little panic will have major trouble lasting for more than a few minutes! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you can say pelvis! Pelvisschmerzen :)
HUGS!