My last baby-related post focused on the things that I am afraid of. I realised, though, that I was yet to write a blog post regarding how I feel the vast majority of the time... 'And how DO you feel the vast majority of the time, Johanna?' I hear you all ask with baited breath. Finding one word to describe such complex emotions is... difficult.
But, I'm going to go with: EXCITED!
There is a person growing inside of me, which is truly just mind-boggling. And it's not like I've actively done anything to make it grow there (besides the obvious *cough cough*), and yet there it is, having grown from pretty much nothing to the size of a pumpkin, to something – no, someONE - who has the hiccups multiple times throughout the day, who stretches its legs out so that a foot is pushing on one side of my belly and a bum on the other, who flinches when the train squeals loudly as it passes, who reacts to my husbands touch and who had little dance parties at 5am, 10am, 4pm and 11pm, on the dot. I mean really, how mind-boggling is this.
I am 32 weeks preggers right now, though I am emotionally feeling like I am full term. I am ready. And not in that 'ugh, being pregnant is a pain in the bum, get it over with already' kind of way, but in a 'what do you look like? What will you smell like? How heavy will you be in my arms? Do you have hair? I want to touch your little button nose! I want to meet you!' kind of way. Apparently my body is ready too. My pelvis has been open and pretty much ready for the big event from four-and-a-half months (insert a few sentences about pelvic pain and walking problems), and now Beanie is head down and shoving itself as hard against my hoohoo as possible, trying to get it all happening a little too early. Here's a picture of mah belleh today.
Feelings regarding birth:
The thing that really shocks me is how excited I am about the actual birth. I wonder if perhaps it is all the hypnobirthing practice I have been doing, but I am just feeling so positive about it (the vast majority of the time). The scariest thing about it is the unknown, and yet I feel as though I have been preparing myself to deal with that for a while now. And having Duncan there to deal with all the bits besides the physical aspect of it gives me a lot of calm. The main thing that I have realised is that although, of course, I want to have a perfect birth where everything goes calmly, naturally and according to plan, if things go awry, I know that Beanie and I will be okay. So no matter what happens, it will probably be the most amazing experience of my life. And at the end of it all, we get to meet our little Bean!
The house isn't quite ready, though. I mean, if Beanie popped out today, we'd be set, but it's just not at that point where I'm happy – we still have boxes around the place, we still need to fix the changing table, we still need to buy a bunch of little things (though the big purchases are finally out of the way) and I'm still waiting for my elusive sewing machine pedal to reveal itself somewhere in the shambles of The Spare Bedroom.
A few difficulties to overcome:
There have been quite a few personal difficulties I've had to attempt to overcome that go hand in hand with having a bubba in a country where I don't (comfortably, or with much proficiency) speak the language. I'm really glad that I have pushed myself to learn the amount of German that I currently know, so that hopefully I'm not feeling too helpless or lost. It also comes in handy in situations like this morning, where a lovely old lady sat next to me on the train and started speaking to me about my belly and the weather (two topics I am comfortable with! If only she also started speaking about food... then I'd be in top form!).
Another big personal issue I have had to confront is that of my body image, which is just so nauseatingly predictable. I've never been little, and being a six-foot-tall not-little person often makes me feel... well... I don't have to say it. Standing in one of the busiest squares in Zurich, waiting for a tram, and realising that I am a solid head and shoulders taller than everyone around me makes me feel very conspicuous. Which, of course, I am. Now throw an enormous belly and an every expanding bum into the mix, and it takes a bit of effort for me to try to feel comfortable. I wish it wasn't an issue at all, but perhaps being this height at 14 years of age, surrounded by boys who barely reached my belly button, affected me more than I realise. And perhaps being reasonably sleep deprived doesn't help this situation... check out the number of extra pillows I had to order when we were on our babymoon last week (plus a wedge I created out of towels to prop up my back when sleeping on my side)!
A kinder surprise!
Now for the issue of Beanie being a boy or a girl. I was so completely sure it was a boy up until about 6 months. I'm not sure why, I just knew. And then one day I woke up and instead of thinking about the boy in my belly, I suddenly was hit with this feeling that I now had absolutely no idea. None. No feeling one way or the other. My 'boy' feeling had gone. And from then on, I began having dreams about Beanie being a girl, and gradually I've turned to feel as though it's a little girl in there. Dunc thinks it is a boy still, and we often speak with each other along the lines of 'How's he doing in there?', 'Oh, she's doing great!'. And so we've made a bet. If it's a boy, then Dunc gets to choose the first take-away pizza; if it's a girl, then I get to choose (and by god, it will have lots of gorgonzola!). Meanwhile, every single silly gender-prediction test we have done says it is a boy, so... we'll see. :)
Alright, time to end this ramble and put on my 'Affirmations for an Easy and Comfortable Birth' CD. I'll leave you with a picture of the very excited parents-to-be on our little mountain get-away last week.
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